Adventuring Failure to Launch: The Beginning of the End

Day 1: Wednesday 7/12/17

Time: 7:52PM, Location: Backpackers Campground Site #22, Tuolumne Meadows

I am alone at this campground and it is overwhelming. I find myself fighting back tears while a few still fall. The realization of what I am about to be doing has hit me like a ton of bricks and I am feeling like this is something I shouldn’t be doing. I know this feeling will pass, but right now, I already want to give up this endeavor and go home. The silence here is hard to handle at the moment, probably something that modern technology is playing a part in; I’m always listening to music or something throughout the day or occupying myself with something else, I rarely take a minute to sit and just listen to my surroundings, although I need to do this more. I actually brought some music with me, but I don’t feel like listening to that either right now, I think that has to do with how alone in this unknown I feel right now.

David drove me up here and we arrived later than planned, so he walked me to my site, said ‘I love you’ and headed back to the car within a few minutes of finding the campground, plus the mosquitos are out and biting and he was getting attacked. Before he left, I told him to think about if he really wants to be with me because these last couple of months, I definitely feel like the way he feels about me has changed. He doesn’t smile when he’s with me anymore, I find that he doesn’t look at me the same way, he doesn’t reach for my hand or bring me flowers, or any surprise for that matter. I look at him and I feel like my insides are screaming at him to just let me know that I’m wrong, let me know that you still love me and you want to be with me because I just don’t get the vibe that you do! Yes, he drove me up here to send me off, but I don’t think he really wanted to.  I had really hoped something positive would happen between us before I left because I really don’t want to head out with a negative mindset about us. I actually wouldn’t even be out here if it weren’t for him; I had planned to do the trail last year (and the weather and trail conditions were better) but I was unable to obtain the necessary permit. I felt discouraged about the whole idea and virtually canned the thought of doing it until he asked me about six weeks ago if I still thought about accomplishing it.
*took a break to make a fire, collect some ore wood, and try to stop crying*
I had said ‘not really,’ but then got to thinking about it more that weekend and decided to look into it again. I was really feeling like I needed some time to me and I haven’t been getting out in nature enough. With buying a house, then having David and the kids move in, I’ve felt I’ve really been neglecting myself a little. I’ve been staying very busy with the new place because it needs a lot of work, there are things I’d like to do with it, and there’s a big yard, on top of just regular house upkeep and chores, plus going to work on top of that! Being that it was already late in the season to try to get a permit, I felt I wasn’t going to end up having much luck getting one again, but I did! There was one opening out of the Lyell Canyon trailhead on 7/13 and I was able to snag it! I thought David would be excited and happy for me since he had been the one to bring it up, but I got the vibe that he wasn’t thrilled. Granted yes, I’m out here alone and that’s not the best scenario, but I kind of hoped there would be more enthusiasm from the man I love. And I do love him dearly, I just feel like I’m hitting a brick wall with him lately. I ask him ‘do you still want this relationship?’ Him: ‘Yes.’ ‘Do you still love me?’ Him: ‘Yes.’ But there’s just something off, so when I told him to think about if he really wants to be with me before he left and he responded with ‘I will,’ it made me feel like what I fear is true and he is unhappy with our life together. We shall see, he has quite some time to think it over, and so do I, but I already know how I feel: if I’m going to always feel like this and constantly try and work for his love, attention, and affection, then no, I don’t want to be with him. We’ve been together for over a year now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to feel special or loved anymore, I want to always reinforce our feelings and be thoughtful of one another. He is a sweet, kind man with a good heart, but I need him to be present more. I need to know that there’s a bond there. I don’t know where I’m going with this right now, I feel like I’m off track from my time out here occupying myself with these thoughts. I should be getting excited to hit the trails! But man, I’m feeling down and wanting to quit before I even start. Hopefully some sleep will change my mind! Ugh, but then there’s packing up that backpack again! It weighed 72 pounds when I left the house today, oi vey that’s going to be a challenge when I head out towards Donohue Pass tomorrow. It’s almost 9:00pm now and the stars will be out soon. My sleeping clothes are going to smell like campfire for the rest of the trip now…

10:15pm: Yeah, I smell like a campfire now. The stars are amazing; I’ll expect to see even more tomorrow night.

I’m feeling very lacking in the confidence to do this thing I’ve signed up to do and in the weeks leading up to this, I’ve felt less physically and mentally fit for this journey as I was last year. I’m going to just keep pushing forward tomorrow and see what that does for my psyche. I’m really not looking forward to hauling this weight around in a wilderness unknown to me. I may have spent a few months hauling around a bit of weight in Europe, but this is a whole other ball game. Water and snow levels are a big concern this year, so I hope I can keep it together!

Total steps for the day: 10,869

Laid down to sleep at 10:35pm

I hope David made it home safely.