Adventuring Failure to Launch: The Downward Spiral

Thursday 7/13/17 Wake up time: 6:30am

I made it through the first night! I tossed and turned all night, but was able to sleep for the most part, looks like I was able to get close to about 8 hours of sleep, which is pretty rare for me. I’m still feeling like I’m not cut out for this journey, but I’m going to give it a solid effort, I’m not a quitter! The cold is going to be hard for me to handle, but hopefully I’ll keep moving well enough for it to not fully set in. It’s a nice morning and the birds are chirping, the air is fresh and clean, and the forest smells amazing! I’d much rather be out in the woods then in Fresno! At the same time, this whole roughing it business is going to be a challenge! I’m hoping this journey finds me some peace, self-growth, purpose, motivation, inspiration, and knowledge.

I was still the only person to stay out here at the backpacker’s camp, so I hope that’s not a bad sign.

I’m moving along slower than I’d like to be getting out on the trail, but I’m also not trying to rush, so it’s ok. I made breakfast with my Jet Boil stove (quick oats with dried fruit and honey, crystalized eggs, egg whites, and powdered white cheddar cheese, plus a cup of coffee with instant milk) and have packed up camp now. A ranger just strolled through the campground and asked to see my permit, he is the first person I’ve seen out here so far, but I’m sure I’ll see others out on the trail. Time to head out! Time: 9:15am

Location: Lyell Canyon, 12:15pm

                Well, maybe I am a quitter L I don’t think I can do this, well I know I am able, but I just don’t have it in me at this time to get it done. I think I was fooling myself on a number of levels believing that going at this alone at this time was a good idea. I never thought I’d want another person or two out here with me as bad as I do now. I feel like this is an experience that needs to be shared with others. I think, even if I was to continue on and finish, then my biggest disappointment would be not having a traveling companion to reflect back on adventure with. I traveled alone in Europe and often felt the same way, but this is no European trip either. 

              The biggest discomfort is not the hike or even being alone, I’m very use to those things and the hike has barely begun, but my pack is heavy and there isn’t one step where I get relief. This is the ‘easy’ part of the hike, so that isn’t going to get any better. Yes, I’d get more use to it, but I simply am not enjoying my beautiful surroundings as much as should be since I’m carrying this cumbersome pack with me, and again, I haven’t even hit the difficult stuff with the snow and water crossings. I feel so fat, slow, and out of shape, and my head just isn’t in the game. I knew it wasn’t in all the weeks leading up to this, but I stubbornly pushed it to happen anyway. I enjoy hiking and short backpacking trips, but maybe I bit off more than I can chew right now? Maybe there’s too much going on in my personal life, too much going on in my head, maybe I’m just over thinking it all lately, being sober probably has something to do with that too (tomorrow will be 60 days). I don’t know, I’ve always had a love for nature and the outdoors, which has only increased over the years, but I just feel sad out here right now. I feel like a failure L out here and in life in general. I know once I get back I’ll be filled with embarrassment and shame, people will say ‘its ok’ and ‘you tried,’ etc. but I will be (and am) disappointed with myself.  It’s really nothing new. Preparing for this trip has been long and quite expensive, although I don’t even care about those things right now.

                I wish I knew more of what I truly wanted out of life, but I’ve always felt like I’m lacking in proper direction and passion. After thinking about it while reading a self-help book about nine months ago that really made you look within yourself and make a list of the things you want most in life (not possessions), I concluded that deep down, the biggest thing I’ve always wanted is love. I thought I might have that with David at the time so I became more excited and motivated to pursue what we could potentially be. My entire life I’ve thought I’d end up alone, but it’s not what I wanted, so I’d hoped I could be proven wrong, and I felt like he was proving me wrong; he’d bring me flowers randomly, tell me how excited he was to see me, that he was so in love with me, and how lucky he was to have me in his life. We’ve talked about the possibilities of having a life together and the like, but all of that seems to be changing and I feel like I might be losing that love, and it’s probably my fault to begin with. I could never accept him telling me how he felt about me as truth, he’d tell me that I was pretty and I’d tell him to have his eyes checked. I’ve wanted him to find a job where he could become more gainfully employed, and he has and he loves it and puts a ton of time and effort into possibly growing with them, and here I am complaining that we never get to do anything together anymore. He’s always tired now because he’s working 7 days a week and it’s not a basic 8 hour day, it’s every morning and then most afternoons until the early evening, then the extra time required to make everything flow smoothly for the classes. So he’s busy, and busy working to do what needs to be done to hopefully grow at the place he loves to work, and here I am wanting more time with him, what a bitch. But at the same time, he’s got his hobbies/passions of long distance running and Brazilian jiu-jitsu to incorporate into his routine too, his passion for working out and staying in shape are unrivaled, I wish I had some of that! And then of course there are his two kids who should first and foremost be the top priority in his life, I’d never try to come between that! I guess I just don’t know where I fit in his life, especially lately. I wouldn’t say I’m particularly needy or anything like that, but I want a relationship where I have a companion, confidant, partner in crime, and someone to talk to about anything and everything. I don’t know what the future holds for David and I, we will have to do some more talking and soul searching to see if this relationship is going in a direction from which there is no return, or if we can reconnect again and grow because I certainly don’t like feeling rejected or unwanted by the person I share a home with.

                Ok, well back to the hike. I think I’ve determined that I will just make my way back towards Yosemite Valley and just take the bus back to Fresno. I don’t want to bother anyone to pick me up and I don’t even know if and when I’ll get a signal again. It’s about 30 miles to the valley so it’ll take a couple of days to trek over there, so there’s still work to put in, but as far as making all the way to Mt Whitney, I think I’ll have to go for it some other time. L Well, I guess it’s time to try to get some more miles in. Time: 1:10pm

Location: Tuolumne Meadows Backpacker’s Campground, site #22, Time: 6:55pm

           I am a weak and worthless human being. I couldn’t even go one day without falling apart. I may have traveled just shy of 15 miles today carrying that heavy pack, but it was miles that were spent unwisely. With that kind of mileage, I could’ve made it clear over Donohue Pass and to a spot to camp for the night by now, although there would’ve been a lot of snow, plus an elevation climb. I’m having a hard time handling myself right now and I just feel so useless.  I got too much in my head and it brought me down fast! I feel like I can do this! But my back is saying no and it’s causing me to have a bad time, on top of the fact that I picked a very rough year weather wise to be out here. No wonder a permit was available! I can’t help but feel shame and so lost, it’s really hard having zero communication capabilities with anyone back home, although what’s talking to anyone on the phone going to do for me now? I guess I am a quitter, at least for now. I could definitely do this again, but next time I’ll prepare better, travel with someone, and head out when trail conditions are more optimal, as well as when I’m in a better headspace to start this journey.

                I headed back to the Tuolumne Meadows Wilderness Center to talk to someone about maybe backpacking the Rafferty Creek Trail back to Yosemite Valley since that is actually a separate permit, yet on the trek back, I just kept feeling more defeated with every step I took and found myself wishing for this whole thing to be done with already. My back was hurting more and more, but my feet, legs, and the rest of my body were fine. The more I ridiculed myself, the more emotional I became and by the time I reached the Wilderness Center, I was in tears the second I started trying to talk to the ranger. She was very sweet and talked very kindly to me as I asked her what my options were to get back to Fresno. There were no more buses headed back to the valley today, so I wouldn’t be able to get back to Fresno tonight unless I tried to hitch hike.  The ranger stated that typically people will pick up a backpacker, but I still wasn’t completely ready to throw in the towel, so I decided to get a three night permit to take me back to the valley via the JMT with my first spot to camp being Cathedral Lakes. She stated that the backpackers camp in Tuolumne Meadows was closed (hence why I had no neighbors) and I’d have to make it three miles into the wilderness before I could camp. I thought this meant Cathedral Lakes was about three miles away, so I went to head out, although I really didn’t want to hike anymore with this dang pack! I could hike for days longer without it, or even just less weight, but I just didn’t want to carry it anymore. There was no choice in the matter, so I tried to keep it together, but I started to cry yet again and Hannah, the ranger, was so nice, she said ‘do you want to stay and talk?’ But I said no because I was too embarrassed with all of the people that were nearby, so I put on my sunglasses and headed back west down the trail. I started to sob and it was blurring my vision so I had to pull it together! Well, I went about another mile and a half to where the trail marker indicated that Cathedral Lakes was another 4.3 miles from where I was standing. That would’ve been another 2-3 hours of hiking with the incline I’d face and the breaks I’d have to take for my back. It was already 4:30 and I just didn’t have it in me, so I decided to give the hitch hiking gig a try. If someone could take me to the valley, that’d be great! I didn’t know what I’d do or where I’d go once I got there, but I’d figure it out. Well, I stuck my thumb out for 45 minutes with no luck. L I needed to figure something out and fast, it was now 5:30pm, so I decided to just go and chance staying at the backpacker’s camp once again. I couldn’t see a ranger kicking me out at this point of the night, so I risked it and am back here at site #22 feeling just as emotional and heavy hearted as I was sitting in this exact same spot 24 hours ago. I actually ended up with two neighbors tonight who I went to ‘warn’ that this place is actually closed so they might want to keep staying here discreet, but they informed me that they actually talked to a ranger and got the ok to stay, so I feel slightly relieved that I didn’t have to be on high alert. So I’ll camp here tonight and most likely head back to Fresno tomorrow, maybe I’ll get a fresh start and decide to hike the way back to the valley like I intended just a few hours ago, but I doubt it. I’m going to set up my tent now and start a fire soon. Time: 7:35pm

9:15pm

My neighbors have all gone to sleep before the stars have made their arrival. A few stars have shown up now, but it’s still not totally dark outside, although it’s not light enough to go walking around without a headlamp at this point either. I had started a fire, but it all but completely went out when I walked to the river to pump some water; I can’t believe I went through 3L and two 20oz bottles today, but I guess I used some of it for cooking too. I wasn’t able to fill the bladder since the pump was frustrating me and it starting getting to dark (I had walked over without a headlamp thinking I had enough time and daylight left), so I just headed back with about 1 liter worth. It’ll be enough to get me through the morning tomorrow and I can get more after.

I did what I do best and I overate once I unpacked everything. Now that I know I won’t be out on the trail for 9-10 days before I refill my supplies, I helped myself to an extra string cheese and the pack of dried mango as well as the plantain chips I had brought as back up snacks, then also proceeded to cook up a serving of the freeze dried chicken, which I had actually planned to eat (it’s really good!). I really need to get the eating under control, but it seems that ever since I stopped drinking, food has been my replacement. WTF is wrong with me? Why do I need to do these addictive things? What am I trying to mask? I guess it could be the fact that I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere or have a positive self-worth. Even looking at the videos I shot while out here I think ‘yuck! I’m so disgusting, why do I even film myself?!’ Sometimes, ok a lot of the time, I don’t see how someone as attractive as David could be into someone like me. But then again, maybe he’s not anymore. I don’t know…I shouldn’t be starting down this path again, so I’m going to scope out the stars for a while, then head to sleep. Time: 9:31pm

Miles walked today: 15.6

Steps: 34,872

Headed to bed at 9:55pm