Adventuring Failure to Launch: When Things Don't Go As Planned

Friday 7/14/17 Wake Up Time: 7:00am, Current Time: 10:59am

                Well, I woke up today feeling less emotional, but not wanting to get out of bed.  I wanted to sleep even more than the almost 9 hours I got;  it was 7:00am when I woke up and 7:25 by the time I dragged myself out of my sleeping bag and I knew that I needed to get moving. I got everything packed up and ate a good breakfast of oats and dried fruit with milk, an apple pie Quest bar, a cup of coffee and some extra dried fruit because it was yummy! J I had everything ready to go by 9:20am and headed out towards the Wilderness Center to catch the bus to the Valley. On the mile walk over there, I almost changed my mind once again and decided to head towards the valley vis the trail for a couple of days, but that quickly changed when my back started to hurt yet again and my spirit still felt crushed. I felt like an all-around weak human being and that I should be better than this! I wanted to just be done and go back to Fresno, but at the same time I wanted to ‘toughen up’ and go after it. Ultimately, I decided to catch the bus and just try this whole thing some other time. I felt, even though this was a very unsuccessful quest, I had learned a lot about going out into the wilderness in general that I hope to put to good use in the future. I know that I need to get back to strength training to make carrying this weight less of a burden on my back, so I will work on that! I know that I should get more experience just heading out on 2-5 night backpacking trips before I try to tackle one where I’m carrying 10 days of food supplies. I know that I’d really enjoy to go out in the wilderness with others so that we may share the experience. The only backpacking trips I’d ever been on up to this point have been for a single night, which is definitely different then a trip of this caliber. I know I need to go into a trip like this in a better headspace as well.

                So, I arrived at the Wilderness Center where a bit of a line had formed for people waiting to get permits for their various trips. I thought this where the bus would make it’s pick up, and although there were several people in line ahead of me, I still had about 20 minutes until it was to arrive. When it was my turn, I told the ranger I’d like a ticket and he said you just get them on the bus, ok great, so I asked ‘that’s just right out here, yes?’ When another ranger said no, it’s down at the store, my heart sank. It was now 10:05 and the store was a mile back down the road! I quickly rushed out of there, put on my pack and hustled as much as I could to try and make it. The ranger had said that I might be able to flag the bus down if I got out on the road so that’s where I headed just hoping the bus was a few minutes late. I got out to the road by 10:07 and was moving quickly, but at 10:11, only 4 minutes later, the bus passed me. I enthusiastically waved my trekking poles in hopes that they’d stop, but it was to no avail. Well, the emotions came back and my eyes welled up with tears yet again, but I still had some hope that maybe the bus would wait a few minutes at the store. I arrived in the parking lot at 10:19, just 4 minutes late, and it was gone. L I walked over to the bus schedule that is posted and just stared at it for about 10 minutes hoping by some miracle that there’d be another bus later in the day, yet there was none. I could totally use a hug right now. My eyes welled up for what felt like the 100^th time and then I simply just didn’t know what to do. I could just suck it up and take a couple of days to hike to the valley, but then I came up with another idea: I’d put my backpack in one of the bear bins, go out hiking for the day around Tuolumne Meadows, then just return in the evening to camp once again in the (closed) backpackers camp and catch the bus tomorrow. I really would’ve liked to hike to the Valley, but I’m just not having a good time hauling the load around, both physically and mentally. This place is gorgeous! And I’m just walking around with my head down trying to enjoy myself, but just uncomfortable the whole time. So I’m going to try and get out and enjoy this day and keep my head up! The sun is out, the sky is beautiful here, and the air is clean! This is what I enjoy about the outdoors, so I’m going to make this day enjoyable, take some pictures, and check out some awesome scenery. I’ll go back and camp out again tonight and catch the bus again tomorrow, this time in the right spot!

                Time to go store this beast of a pack in a bin and get out there!
Time: 11:33am

Time: 3:26 Location: Young Lakes trail split (near Ragged Peak)

                I had intended to hike all the way to Young Lakes, but with 1.5 miles left until I reach them and then another 7 or so more miles back to the meadows to go, I decided it’s best to head back here in a few after a quick snack break. The sites on this trail are epic! After a bit of a climb, near Lembert Dome, I reached beautiful Dog Lake by 1:00 where I sat, took a few pictures, and just took in the views. After getting back out on the trail and making the turn onto the Young Lakes trailhead, I was the only person out here. It’s been a very peaceful and scenic hike and I think I got some pretty good pictures, even a couple panoramas that I might get printed. I started running into a bit of snow here and there and it caused me to lose the trail very briefly a couple of times. I could only imagine what it’d be like going over all of those passes on the JMT *sigh* Maybe it’s for the best that I just decided to not go for it at this time.

                I’ve been able to think a little more while out here today since I’m not constantly quite so distracted by carrying a heavy load. I’ve thought about David and I, and I hope that we can work things out and work together to find a happy medium ground. I hope he’s been able to think about things a little and feels the same way. I guess I’ll find out sooner than later since my trip is being dramatically cut short, but maybe he’s been so busy that it hasn’t crossed his mind much. I imagine it has a little when he goes to bed and I’m not there right now, or when he has to feed my animals or water my plants.

             Well, time to head back down, I have about 6 miles or so to go! Time: 3:40pm

Current Time: 7:39pm Location: Backpackers Campground, Tuolumne Meadows, Site #10

I got quite a bit of hiking in today and to see some amazing landscape! My feet are feeling it today, but it was definitely a relief to not have the pack and enjoy the hike. I hiked just shy of 19 miles today with 3.5 being with the pack. I chose an excellent trail to get out there and clear my head a little and the solitude was much appreciated. I returned to the backpackers campground at about 6:30pm, collecting some firewood along the way back to site 22 where I stashed by pack. Walking up to my chosen site, I noticed someone had already set up their tent and had various items laid out.  I didn’t recognize any of the items as my own, so since it didn’t look like my pack had been got ahold of, I just decided to find another spot. I chose #10 because that’s my birth number and set up camp there.  The guy who accidently swiped #22 came over and apologized when I was collecting my pack and said he’d move, but I said it was ok that he stayed put. He said his name was Scott and he’d been traveling up from Mexico on the PCT and the group he was with was on their way to its end point in Canada. I’d love to do that someday, but I definitely needed to be thinking smaller for now! I’m feeling a little bummed to be leaving tomorrow and wish I could just camp and hike, camp and hike for a few more days, but I don’t know if that’s even possible at this point. If I had my car, I’d be better off so I could get around more. Who knows, maybe I’ll be able to find a spot in the valley, but I’m not going to be too hopeful since its Saturday tomorrow and the valley is super popular and crowded. It might just be best for me to go home and try again later, maybe in Kings Canyon/Sequoia Parks.

                I’m feeling a bit anxious to talk to David. I wonder if he’ll be upset at all that I’m not doing the JMT and coming home quite early. I imagine he’ll be glad that I’m safe and say that I made a smart choice in coming back, but I still wonder if he’s missed me at all or thought about us. I’m sure he hasn’t nearly as much as I have been, but only because I’ve been out here and basically had the time to think. I worry that he’ll have decided or realized that he doesn’t want to be with me or love me anymore, but I shouldn’t think like that. He does tell me he loves me every day, and only hasn’t been able to these last few days since I am out here. I love him and I know he knows that too. I hope we can find time and the strength to build our relationship.

                *break for dinner*

                Ok, ate dinner (reconstituted chicken and potatoes), made a fire because the mosquitos are insane, brushed my teeth, and put everything I’m not currently using away in the bear bin for the night.

                I have been farting so much today! brutal honesty/too much information, yes I know; I think it must be from all of the dried fruit I keep chowing on; it’s so delicious and might as well be candy out here in the woods! The fire is helping with the mosquitos, which is a great relief! Scott, the PCT hiker, walked by not too long ago collecting wood for their own fire and asked if I wanted to be alone over here or if I wanted to come hang out with his group, but I said that I was ok, plus I had just got my fire going.

                Gosh, I really don’t want to go back to Fresno right now with its 100+ degree weather, but I at least need to get to the valley to communicate with people back home since they all think I’m somewhere else right now. I do realize that I need to take more time for things like this, but it’d also be nice if others would/could join; sometimes the silence is so loud.

                My fire is roaring right now! It’s so warm; I might need to back up a little! The weather here in Tuolumne Meadows has been fantastic and I can’t wait to spend more time here in the future! 
             I think today was a good day to ‘celebrate’ 60 days of no booze. There’s only been one other time in my adult life where I went more than 30 or 35 days without drinking and was due to a bet. That time I think I went five months and I had been training for an event I never ended up participating in: the Tahoe Spartan Ultra Beast that was to be October 2^nd, 2015. I had wanted to go 10 months without drinking to prepare for it, but I only went a little more than 5 after I injured my knee (yet again), requiring surgery to repair it. So, I had become discouraged and soon thereafter, I picked up the bottle once again. I spent that summer in Georgia training to be a K9 handler and went back to my old habit of vodka cocktails essentially every night. I was still working out quite a lot and had strong determination to get back out on the obstacle course racing circuit as well as running in half marathons again. I did well in my knee surgery recovery and training continued, but so did the drinking. I was able to compete in the Asheville, North Carolina Spartan Super just 65 days post-surgery, the San Jose Rock n’ Roll half marathon 94 post surgery, and the Tahoe Beast just 100 days exactly afterwards, all with ‘regular’ finish times for me. I don’t know if the drinking ever slowed me down or stunted my performance (especially since I’m slower and weaker since quitting), but alcohol made me feel like less of a person and was holding me back from being a better me. For years, I’ve gone through phases of drinking ‘normally,’ to not at all for short periods, to every single day and building up to scheduling my day or life around it. I’d drink the night before races, I’d want to get home so I could have my night cap cocktail, and then feel lame and terrible the next morning for letting such a stupid thing have control over me. This battle went on for over a year and a half when suddenly I found myself saying this has to stop! I realized a long time ago that I’m not a ‘regular’ drinker and there isn’t much self-control, so I decided that booze has to go completely, but still it wasn’t that easy. I kept saying ‘the 1^st of the month, I’m quitting!,’ or ‘Sunday is my last day,’ or making an excuse for some upcoming event or something, when finally I said ‘no more! The day isn’t going to matter; there will always be an excuse if you let it!’

So that was it; May 13^th, 2017 was the last day I had a drink. I finished the bottle of wine my mom left behind from helping me move into my house on that Saturday evening and I haven’t touched any booze since. I haven’t really even wanted to, it actually hasn’t been that difficult, at least not yet.  On the other side, I haven’t had any of the ‘perks’ from quitting either; I haven’t lost weight (in fact I’ve probably gained weight because I can’t stop eating in excess and haven’t been working out as much), my skin hasn’t cleared up and I’ve got some ugly rash going on face for a couple of months now, and I haven’t felt happier or healthier. For now, I’m just trying to be content with the fact that I’m no longer putting such poison into my body anymore and I’m working on being more of a person who I can love and respect. I started listening to a recovery podcast even before I put down my last drink (even listening a couple of times with a drink in hand while staining furniture) and it’s helped me to hear other people’s stories, plus facts about alcohol and its effects. It’s also helped me realize that I can’t really do this alone, as much as my stubborn, independent self would like to, so after a few weeks, I reached out to my fellow K9 handler and friend, Marithza. She’s had my back and has been supportive the entire time!

Dog Lake

         After a month and a couple of days I finally reached out to David after wondering why he hadn’t really noticed or said anything since every time he’d seen me for a while, I had a drink in my hand, and I also admitted to him that often times I’d had one before he got home, then acted like I was I pouring my 1^st glass after he’d arrived. I was coming up with the typical excuses: ‘it’s Friday/Saturday cocktail time;’ or whatever, I can’t even remember all of the BS right now, but that’s exactly what it was: B.S. Enough was enough and if I wanted to be with this man and have a future, I needed to do it without alcohol and if I couldn’t talk to him about it, then I shouldn’t be with him. So I sucked it up and poured out some of my guts. He said he was happy to support anything that I felt was going to make me feel like a better person. Slowly, I began to tell more people, not just blurting it out, but in regular conversation, and like the podcast had said, it isn’t a big deal and if people make it a big deal or try to get you to drink when you tell them you’re sober, then you don’t need those people in your life. Both of my parents know that I’ve quit for now, my closest cousin knows, my coworkers I work with daily, as well as a few friends. I don’t need to make a big announcement or a put a sign on my head, but I’ll handle it as the situations arise. I just had a friend whom I hadn’t seen in about 5 years visit last week and she brought a bottle of wine. I told her that I don’t drink anymore and she apologized for bringing it. I said it was ok and when she accidently left it behind, I asked David if he could give it away for me please.

                I’m going to deal with my addictive behavior day by day and I know I have a lot of work to do, but I’ll do it because I have bigger and better goals in mind and would like to feel better about myself as a person.

                Well, my fire is dying out, so I’m going to head into the tent in a few minutes. The solar charger didn’t charge my phone very much so hopefully I can get some good sunlight in the morning to be able to have enough battery for the journey home.

Time: 9:27pm

Miles Traveled Today: 19

Steps: 42,361

Headed to Bed @9:55pm