Adventuring Failure to Launch: The Long Ride Home

Saturday 7/15/17

Wake Up Time: 6:30-7:14am, Got up at 7:19am

Current Location: Tuolumne Meadows Store, YARTS Bus Stop, Time: 9:37am

                I’ve made it to the shuttle stop with plenty of time to spare today; I actually thought it was going to take me a little longer to walk here. I woke up wanting to stay in bed longer once again, but knew I should get up and moving so I wouldn’t have to rush.  The first thing I did after exiting my little tent was locate some sun rays to charge my phone with my Goal Zero panel. Since the sun was quickly rising, I found myself having to move the panel every couple of minutes, dodging the shadows cast by all of the tress. Now that I’m at the bus stop, there’s a solid, open area with full light, so hopefully it’ll give it a good charge.

                After packing up my things, making breakfast (quick oats with dried fruit, milk, and honey, 2 cups of coffee today since I don’t need to conserve it, and the egg/egg white/cheese powder combo), I changed back into one of my t-shirts (which now stinks) and my workout skirt with the water sandals today instead of the Merrell boots. Once I get to the Visitors Center in the Valley, I’ll just buy a new shirt so I’m not smelly on the bus ride back to Fresno, or when I get picked up. The bus leaves every couple of hours, so I imagine I should be back in Fresno by about 6 or 7:00. David works until about 6:00-6:30 tonight, so maybe he can pick me up, if not then I’ll see if a coworker will come get me.

                I filled up my water bottles from the river (they have filters in them, but I’m not really worried about it anyway since it’s all fast moving, fresh water), and got snacks lined up for the journey home. Depending on what time a bus back to Fresno is available, I believe I’ll have 2-3 hours to spend in the Valley since the shuttle should be arriving at 12:05pm and I think the first bus is somewhere around 2:15pm. I’ll stash my pack in a bear box in one of the parking lots and stroll around for a little bit. I’m pretty familiar with all of the areas near the Visitors Center from the number of visits I’ve made to the park in the past, but I’m sure there are still things I haven’t seen or information I haven’t read.

                Once I get a signal, I’ll also send a message to my mom because I know she’s been worried this whole time.  I think other than her and David, getting ahold of most other people can wait until tomorrow when I’m back to being settled in at home. I plan to take Monday off still too so I can do things around the house and look into organizing future excursions. I’m planning to probably take the following Monday and Tuesday off to head out to Muir Ranch to pick up my bucket of resupplies as well. It’s a five mile hike after taking the ferry across Florence Lake to the other side where the trail heads to the camp, so I’m anticipating a day to drive up and backpack in, pick up my bucket, then spend the night, and make the trip back home on Tuesday, the next day.

                I’m still feeling very much like a failure in this whole thing, especially since it’s getting easier to walk with the pack, but of course it’s become a lot lighter now too. My back still hurts and I have quite a few mosquito bites, but hey, at least I got out here and gave it a try. I got a harsh reality check, but I need to try and look at the positive sides of things: the weather and area are wonderful and I still got some good mileage, scenery, and experience in. I was able to have some time to myself to think, cry, write, trek, etc. and see an area of Yosemite which I had only ever driven straight through accidently over a year ago. My eyes have been opened a little more into wilderness exploration and I’m looking forward to getting out in nature a lot more!

                As emotional as this whole trip has been, I think I needed to get it out and have some time to sort through some things. I’ve done a ton of writing and expressing myself in this little journal and I need to take the time to do more of it, it’s therapeutic. I rattle my brain far too much and I hardly express what I’m feeling or going through until it festers too much and eats away at me, I need to continue to work on that!

                I’m going to have to wrap it up for a little while so I don’t miss this bus once again!

Time: 10:09am

Location: Yosemite Valley Visitors Center, Time: 2:31pm

                The YARTS bus arrived in the Valley at about 12:15pm due to the heavy traffic from park goers. As soon as I got off of the bus, I texted my mom and David saying that I was weak and such a fool for taking this on at this time and that I’d be making my way back to Fresno this afternoon. My mom immediately texted me back saying I most certainly wasn’t weak and she was happy that I was safe, she even suggested that I take a bus to her area instead so I could come stay with her for a little while, but I informed her that there aren’t any buses headed that way, plus she’d have to drive me back to Fresno at some point (which I know she’d have no problem doing, but still). I got a message back from David simply asking if that meant I’d be back tonight. Immediately I got a crushing, negative vibe at his lack luster response, but I texted him back saying yes and if he could possibly pick me up, or I could find someone else. He said he could do it after his planned track workout that should be done by 7:00, which was pretty much perfect since my bus will be in at 7:04pm. Since I was picking up such a negative vibe, I decided to call him, yet that was probably a bad idea since he was already at work.  Oops. Talking to him didn’t give me any sort of reassurance that he was happy to hear from me, sympathized with the harsh feelings I’ve been having about myself, or was even relieved to know that I was safe. I really have no idea what to expect when I get home and I fear I’m in for a devastating blow.  We ended the conversation with me agreeing to keep him posted, I said ‘I love you’ and he said it back, but I just don’t know…

                My mom called me right after and I told her how I was feeling and some of the things I’d been thinking about during my time out here. She volunteered to come out here to get me and wanted me to come stay with her, but it’s just shy of a four hour drive for her, would cost $30 to get into the park and she’s also never been to Yosemite, so she certainly couldn’t just drive into the park simply to turn right back around and go back out!! I appreciate my mom’s effort though to help me try and feel better about this whole thing and to help me try and talk about things with David. I’m devastated to feel like this once loving and flourishing relationship might be over. I don’t know what I did, or didn’t do for that matter, but I don’t want to feel like crap. I was having high hopes of trying to talk and work on things, but if he’s already over it, then there’s nothing I can do. I just don’t understand, he pursued me when I wasn’t looking anything, I gave him a chance still, and even though I said I wouldn’t date anyone with kids again (not that I don’t like them or potentially want any of my own, it’s just I got too close to some kids in the past and didn’t want that kind of hurt of either party once again if things didn’t work out). I was hesitant still when he asked if he could call me his girlfriend and freaked out when he said ‘I love you’ for the first time when I wasn’t ready to say it back! But still, he was kind and always happy and eager to see me. Ugh, enough for now, I’m starting to cry in public again! I have about 35 minutes until the bus to Fresno is here, I bought another shirt so I don’t smell too bad on the bus ride back or when David picks me up, so I’ll change into that in a few minutes. Maybe I’ll write some more on the bus since my phone still doesn’t have a whole lot of battery left, maybe I’ll read what I’ve written here, but then again, maybe not since I could potentially get upset by it. I wish I could spend some more time walking around and enjoying the sites, but the panel keeps stopping charging every time I step into the shade, so for now, I’ll just wait near the Visitors Center.

                This certainly isn’t my last visit to Yosemite; I expect many more still in my future, and even a few backpacking trips!

                Time: 3:07pm

Location: Coarsegold, Time: 5:54pm

                The bus back to Fresno  has stopped here for some reason and my phone’s battery keep getting lower so I’m not using it and still continually trying to charge it with the solar panel, but it’s finicky and slow.  Since I don’t have the phone to play a game or read on the Kindle app, or have an actual book with me either, I’m left alone with my thoughts while listening to some music on my SanDisk player. I’m not having a whole lot of good things running through my mind right now and I’m, letting it get the best of me. Again, I’m feeling so lost. Ok, I guess we are going to start moving again, it looks like one of the other passengers (which there’s only four of us left now) got off to grab something to eat. I can’t imagine that’s the only reason why we stopped, but whatever. The phone is down to 21% battery life, so I just turned it off for now to conserve.

                I hope when we get home and I take a shower, that David and I can lay down, relax, and watch a movie; I’d like to cuddle with him if he doesn’t have something to work on.

                I don’t really have much else to say about this trip and what I’ve been going through mentally and physically. Maybe in the next day or two I’ll have some more to say; I’ll give it a little bit of time.

                Time:6:10pm