Coming Home to Heartbreak

               I didn’t end up writing in the journal after I got home that evening, or in the few days that followed, or at all for that matter, I didn’t know what to say after what went down that night. I still don’t understand what happened, why things had to be so final, or what the truth really is, all I know is things got a whole lot worse before they got anywhere near better.

                The Yarts bus arrived at the stop in Fresno where I’d depart at 7:05pm and I waited for David to pick me up in the IHOP parking lot. I was pacing around fighting back the tears as countless cars passed by, knowing that as soon as he arrived, there would be an outpour of emotion as he held me in his arms in that inevitable first embrace after not seeing each other for a few days. He pulled up about ten or fifteen minutes later, took my pack from me and put it in his car, then began the tearful hug. After a couple of minutes, we got into the car to head back home. I tried to hold myself together, everything was ok now, I’m on my way home, and I was going to just take a shower and relax, so I asked him how his run on the track went, he replied that he didn’t have time to do it and instantly I started to cry again. “I’m sorry you didn’t get to do your run because you had to pick me up, I know you really wanted to go,” I said to him. “It’s okay, I wanted to come pick you up,” he replied, and I believed him.

                We got back to the house and I was pouring my heart out to him about the whole emotional hiking endeavor, the conversation came around to a point where I saying how when he found out that I was coming home, he didn’t seem too thrilled to hear from me or that I was returning so early. Suddenly that feeling of something being off with him and us came flooding back. He looked down and as he slowly looked back up he said ‘why don’t you go take a shower first.’ My heart sank. There was no way I could get up and go take a shower now, so I told him to just tell me what was up. Well, that was it, he had decided to leave that night and go back to his parents’ house. He gave a bunch of ridiculous reasons for wanting to leave stating how I don’t like Fresno (which I have always been very outspoken about) and I would like to leave here someday, which is true and always has been, but I literally just bought a house here a couple of months earlier, a house that he helped me purchase! My K9 won’t retire for at least another four years, so I’m here for no less than that amount of time. Nothing about any of that screams that I’m leaving anytime soon! I had actually already turned down an opportunity to leave Fresno, make more money, and still be working in the same field just a few months earlier; of course he was a big part of my decision to ultimately stay!

 He said I want to travel and ‘do things,’ also very true, and says he can’t or won’t be able to do such things and that he just can’t afford it. That was never really an issue for me, sure I’d love for him to join me, but I’ve never had a problem doing things by myself and I’m very aware that I’m interested in doing, seeing, and experiencing a lot of different things and places that might not interest another person, but that’s never stopped me from pursuing any of it. I told him that if he really wanted to do such things, then he would find a way, and if he couldn’t afford it that I didn’t have a problem helping in that way. Heck, I’d just paid for us to go on a four night cruise for his 40^th birthday a few months earlier, I had absolutely no problem doing that for him since I thought he deserved a nice vacation for his birthday and wanted us to have some time together. I felt like everything he was saying to me were things that had been discussed essentially since day one of our relationship, so there had to be something else! Some real reason! But I never got the truth. He just would say that ultimately he was going to end up disappointing me in the long run and didn’t want me to resent him. He most certainly was disappointing me now rather than later though…

                As I bawled my eyes out, he said he was going to go and stay with his parents. ‘What? Why?’ I said, ‘your home is here.’ But he got up and said it was getting late and needed to go. He walked to the front door and headed out to go to his car, I grabbed the door and yanked it back open, tears streaming down my face, and just stared at him. ‘Please don’t go,’ I stuttered. He just looked back at me for a moment, and then he walked away. I stood in the doorway in sheer disbelief and watched him drive away before coming back inside to collapse on the couch into a heap filled with uncontrollable sobs.  I don’t know exactly how long I sat there, it was awhile, but eventually I got up and took a very long, hot shower. I added my continued tears to the water that flowed down the drain and tried to wrap my head around everything that just had happened. To have had an already rough and emotional few days alone in the failed backpacking trip, to then coming home to having my heart completely broken for completely unknown reasons. I was utterly shocked at the recent course of events and how drastically things can change, but that’s life for you.  I toweled off and changed into a pair of lounge shorts and a tank top, July in Fresno is exceptionally hot even at 11pm and we hadn’t been running the air conditioner to avoid an extreme electric bill.

                I returned to sit in the corner of my L-shaped couch and just sat there in the silence, alone.  I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t want to talk to anyone, plus the only people who knew I was back were my mom and David, well and now his parents since he was over there now.  This whole thing didn’t even feel real. Sure, as I said, I felt that there was something off lately and I was having some doubts, but did I ever think this was what was to come? Absolutely not! I thought we would talk about some things and work on them like people in relationships are supposed to do! That’s what part of being in a relationship is all about, working through the hard things together and coming out of it even stronger! That’s what I wanted and was willing to do, but well, he wasn’t.  I had to say something to someone, but I wasn’t ready to talk to anyone since I didn’t even know what to say, and quite honestly, I thought he would return the next day and we would work on things and it would be a moot point to have said anything to a friend or family member. I decided to text Marithza, I simply wrote ‘I came home way early for a few reasons, David and I had a long talk and he left me and went to his parents. Don’t want to talk, just needed to tell someone.’ She responded with a simple ‘dude I’m so sorry…’ and then waited to say anything else until the next day when she texted to check on me.

                I didn’t sleep that night, I just sat there. I barely moved. I was simply stunned. I talked to my mom and cried more, a lot more. I didn’t even know what to do at this point. I guess I could go back to work the next day (which would be Monday) and try to get back to things. There was the part of me that wanted to take off, but where was I going to go? Who would take care of my dog, Daphne? I was still sure that he was going to come back and say he was sorry, but he never came to the house that day. He merely texted asking if it was ok for him to come by the next day to pick up a few of his things? Seriously?!  That’s it? You’re just going to leave me like that?? He said he was sorry and that he never intended to hurt me the way he has, but how could that be since he was making these decisions for us? Why were the things I wanted or felt not be considered?

                He didn’t come over the next day, but came the day after that and we had another conversation. That didn’t go well either; he was sticking to his decision. He stated that he feels that it’s best for him to just be alone and that he plans to go to some counseling. He packed up some clothes with tears in his eyes; I tried to get him to stay. Over the next couple of days I asked him to come home and let’s work on things, but he would just say no. I just don’t get it, I’d say, I never yelled at you, degraded you, cussed at you, cut you down, and we never fought. It didn’t matter, his mind was made up, and after a few days I finally told him that I give up; if he wanted to leave I wasn’t going to ask him to stay any longer. I had already felt like a fool for seemingly begging him to reconsider, but I didn’t want to break up! Especially since I still had no good reason or reasons for it to happen! But you can’t force someone to stay if they don’t want to, so as hard as it was; I needed to let it go.

                After a few days, I finally peeled myself off of the couch and decided to go for a hike. I headed out to the Kaiser Wilderness with a full Camelback of water and a few snacks, although I still had zero appetite at this point, but just in case I thought it would be best to be prepared, then drove to the trailhead to hike up to Kaiser Peak. I was doing well out there in nature and was loving the amount of wildflowers that were everywhere at this time of year. I held it together and enjoyed the hike all way up until I got to the summit where the emotions came flooding back. I burst into tears at the top of the mountain, but luckily there were no other people around. After snapping a few more photos, I made my way down the other side of the loop. I made my way back to the car and drove back to Fresno, I was feeling like I was taking a good first step in beginning to work my way through all of the events of the last week. Oh how life can change so quickly!

                I came home and my heart sank once again when I walked in the door and saw that there were some items of his that had been removed from the living room; he had been here while I was out on the hike. I ran into the kids’ rooms and checked their dressers, they had been emptied. I felt my heart break even more. I felt bad for them and I wanted to see them to make sure they knew that this wasn’t by any means their fault! I didn’t want any of them to leave! But they weren’t even told yet that I had returned, they believed that I was still out hiking at that time. I called him after that, I was mad now! I had never yelled or cussed at him, until then.  I asked him why is he doing this?! He’s hurting more than just the two of us! He had no answers for me; he tells me he just doesn’t have the words to say.  The conversation gets me absolutely nowhere and I just go back to throwing myself a pity party in my big, empty house all alone.

                The following Monday I still hadn’t returned to work, but was planning to the following day. I had intended to go up to Florence Lake where they were supposed to be holding my resupply bucket in the little store that was there, yet it was accidently sent on to Muir Ranch, a 20 mile round trip trek from the lake that I wasn’t going to be able to make in one day, so it was decided that they would just have it sent back to me as a return-to-sender since it had been shipped as priority mail. So instead I stayed home another day, but that meant that I was going to be there when David and his dad would show up with the U-Haul truck to get the rest of his and the kids’ stuff. I thought I was going to be able to hold it together, boy was that a delusion. They were about halfway through loading up everything when his dad kindly asked ‘are you ok? You don’t look ok.’ All I could do was shrug, and then the flood gates opened back up and I was in tears once again, so I left and hid in my room for a while.

                They had run out of time before David had to leave to have enough time to get to work, so he asked if he could come back the next day to finish, to which I replied that I would be going back to work, but he still had a key so he could do whatever he needed to do. I walked over to his dad’s truck to say goodbye and give him a hug. I tearfully said ‘I’m sorry.’ He said ‘you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for, this is all his fault!’ pointing towards David, ‘he does this all the time!’ I replied, ‘but I don’t deserve it…’ we exchanged a few more words; I wished him well and then headed back inside the house as they drove away.

                I went back to work the next day, it was certainly a struggle and I’m not going to lie, I couldn’t keep from crying a few times and I kept to myself a lot that week. It was going to take me a long time to heal from all of this and it was only the beginning.